Dimly Lit

All who know me know that I am a coffee addict. I probably drink way too much of this gift from above. Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on how you look at it, I’m not really very picky about my coffee either. Oh sure, given the choice I’d much rather enjoy a cup of freshly roasted Ethiopian Yirgacheffe, (and if it’s produced in a sustainable and organic way it’s even better!) but when the need arises I’ll hit a truck stop on Interstate 44 and be quite satisfied.

But saying all of that is simply to point you to a beautiful story of conversion. A lifelong coffee-hater and hot chocolate lover, converted to good, real coffee. This conversion took place in Paris, but fear not - there really is wonderful coffee to be had here in the U.S. and it isn’t found at that ubiquitous third place that I’ve seen referred to as the church of St. Arbucks.

The author even managed to find a great cup of coffee in a most unexpected place, his grandfather’s kitchen:

Grandpa rose with the sun and had completed eight sudoku before eyes had rolled from the back of my head. Dragging myself to kitchen to endure whatever was about to pass for coffee, I found Grandpa in the kitchen with a burlap sack of raw green Guatemalan coffee beans, carefully shoveling scoops into a jet black coffee roaster, equipped with a small catalytic converter to quell the smoke that would otherwise coat the kitchen when roasting coffee beans at home. One has many expectations before a trip to Florida, both good and bad, but homemade, fresh-roasted coffee was not one. Yet there I was with a rich and bold mug of black coffee, cradled in hand on a dewy Ocala winter’s morn that I could not have had anywhere else in the world.

He has told you, O man, what is good;   and what does the LORD require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness,   and to walk humbly with your God?

Micah 6:8

There are a couple of things that I was told on a regular basis as I was growing up.

1. I can be/do anything if I just put my mind to it.
2. God gave each of us certain gifts and talents and if we are not using them we are not glorifying Him.

I have now spent nearly half my life struggling to figure out what gifts God has given me and how I can use them. I have also spent many of those years struggling on the edge of depression because I feel like I haven’t been able to grasp what it is I’m supposed to be doing with my life.

There is a part of me that knows I’m not supposed to think like this, but I really want to believe that God has given each of us something special to do – and of course the thing He has for me is big! I’m supposed to be doing something important for Him. People were supposed to look at me and say; “now that is a man God is using!” (Yes, that would be my incredible pride and egoism speaking!)

Now I find myself at nearly 38 years old still struggling with what do with my life. Still often feeling like a little boy even though I have a family of my own. I’m often discouraged and feel like a failure. I feel like I must not have worked hard enough, or, I got skipped when God was handing out the talents.

The reality, I am hopefully beginning to see, is both more and less. God wants more of me than I can begin to imagine. But it is not through the things that I accomplish. He wants me and is using me in ways I can’t see. As I am faithful to care for my family and raise my children. As I love my wife. As I mow my yard and help my neighbors move. As I sweep or clean or make sure the car payment is on time. As I do justice, love kindness, and walk humbly before Him.

Perhaps it is in the mundane day to day lives we lead where God meets us most fully, for it is there that we learn kindness and justice and humility. In the book Souls on Fire Elie Wiesel tells the Hasidic parable of Eizik, a poor but faithful Jew from Cracow who finds a treasure hidden under his own stove after traveling and searching for it elsewhere.

Could it be that my story is similar? There is treasure is to be found in my own home, under my own stove. God’s presence and grace is to be found in the midst of the everyday. If I look might I find treasures under the stove, around the corner in the nooks and crannies of my everyday life?

I have become a cynic. I didn’t mean to, I just woke up at some point and found that I’m having a very hard time believing anything that comes from the political world.

For years I was a complete political junkie. Way back in high school I thought that I wanted to someday run for political office and while I had long ago moved away from that idea, I’ve always kept up with what’s going on in Washington. Over the past couple of years however, I’ve begun to believe that nothing worthwhile is actually happening there. Cynical right?

Or maybe it’s just my small government, local is better, community-oriented, ‘crunchy’ conservatism playing itself out. I’m looking for a candidate to say that the federal government is way too big, way too intrusive and needs to be scaled back dramatically. That doesn’t mean that I’m a libertarian, I wouldn’t mind at all if there were government funded programs, as long as they were run at the state or local level. Why not cut federal taxes dramatically and allow states to determine what is truly necessary for the citizens of that state? Yes, the federal government has a role to play, just not as large of a role as it’s taken on.

And yes, these are just rambling, incoherent thoughts as I keep one eye on the stock market tumbling after this over-extended, bloated government has voted to give away 700 billion dollars in order to keep this very thing from happening.

This came out differently then the tests I’ve taken before, but I like the brutal honesty!

(oops, quick update - I checked and I did actually score ENFP the last couple of times I’ve taken a personality test)

—————————-

Your result for The Brutally Honest Personality Test…

Scumbag- ENFP

67% Extraversion, 87% Intuition, 40% Thinking, 47% Judging

Take The Brutally Honest Personality Test at HelloQuizzy

Everyone is born creative; everyone is given a box of crayons in kindergarten.
Then when you hit puberty they take the crayons away and replace them with
books on algebra etc. Being suddenly hit years later with the creative
bug is just a wee voice telling you, “I’d like my crayons back, please.”

I’ve signed up for the Twitter feed of the ESV’s verse of the day. It’s nice to see it pop up on my screen at work and, for at least a moment refocuses my attention on Christ.

Today, the verse has stuck with me and banged around inside my head and heart. The verse for today is Psalm 32:8 -

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will counsel you with my eye upon you.

What the heck does that mean? That’s what I want so desperately, instruction on the way I should go, but…what does it really look like?

So I pulled up the entire Psalm - it’s fairly short so I’m just going to put the whole thing here:

32:1 Blessed is the one whose transgression is forgiven,
whose sin is covered.
2 Blessed is the man against whom the Lord counts no iniquity,
and in whose spirit there is no deceit.

3 For when I kept silent, my bones wasted away
through my groaning all day long.
4 For day and night your hand was heavy upon me;
my strength was dried up [2] as by the heat of summer. Selah

5 I acknowledged my sin to you,
and I did not cover my iniquity;
I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord,”
and you forgave the iniquity of my sin. Selah

6 Therefore let everyone who is godly
offer prayer to you at a time when you may be found;
surely in the rush of great waters,
they shall not reach him.
7 You are a hiding place for me;
you preserve me from trouble;
you surround me with shouts of deliverance. Selah

8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will counsel you with my eye upon you.
9 Be not like a horse or a mule, without understanding,
which must be curbed with bit and bridle,
or it will not stay near you.

10 Many are the sorrows of the wicked,
but steadfast love surrounds the one who trusts in the Lord.
11 Be glad in the Lord, and rejoice, O righteous,
and shout for joy, all you upright in heart!

A very cursory reading of this seems to indicate that the speaker changes between verses 7 and 8. For the first 7 verses the speaker is acknowledging his sin and his need for forgiveness and redemption. He exhorts his fellow man to do the same and offer prayers to God that they might be surrounded with ’shouts of deliverance’.

Then, at least it seems to me, the tone changes. Now the speaker is offering instruction and counsel. This, to me seems like it is God’s response saying ‘Look, I can forgive you and I am a hiding place, but let’s not stop there. Listen to me, do not be stubborn like horse or a mule, but follow where I lead.’

So with all of that, my question is the same it has been for years and years. How do we know when it is God that seems to be leading us in the way we should go as opposed to my own selfish, egotistical will that is trying to make itself sound like God?

I struggle with the idea of ‘calling’ as related to a career. Does God ‘call’ certain people to certain careers? Is being instructed and taught in the way we should go at least partly referring to what we should do to make a living in the day to day of this life? Or is it referring following Jesus with all of our heart, mind and strength no matter how we earn a living? How specific is God’s instruction?

I know I certainly feel more like the mule without understanding who is being dragged along with my haunches dug in. I want to understand. I want to be glad in the Lord and rejoice. I want to believe, Lord help my unbelief.

This is a rant that I started a couple of years ago (February of 2006) and just discovered still sitting in my drafts. Unfortunately, as I read through it I found that it pretty much still applies. So I’ve dusted it off and added a couple of little edits.  - Oh, and don’t worry honey (you’re pretty much the only person that I’m pretty sure will read this) it’s just a bad day.

What the hell is the American Dream and what am I doing chasing it?  Intellectually I am opposed to the rampant materialism that I see all around me, the constant push to acquire and throw away. The need to earn more and more money. And yet I turn around and get a glimpse of what I think about and spend time pursuing and see that I’m the very person that I don’t want to be. I work at a job that I don’t like so that I can buy things I don’t need. I want a nice car and a boat. I want to actually be able to buy some decent dining room chairs since ours keep breaking. I want to be able to buy things for my kids and my wife. I want a fully stocked bar with some premium single-malt scotch. I want more money. I dream of being rich. I drive by the signs announcing what the PowerBall jackpot is up to and daydream about what I would do with the money. Sure I usually throw in the obligatory, “I’d give 10% right off the top to my church”, but then I quickly move on to what I really want to do with it – and very little of it (none) has anything to do with helping those around me other than my family. Let’s be honest, I don’t think about the kingdom of God, or storing up treasures in heaven – I want some treasures here and now.

I have never wanted to fall into the mainstream, comfortable, middle-class categories. I want to be different. I wanted to be a Christian - I want to care for the poor, preach the Gospel and serve others. Instead I am silent as I sit in my little cubicle, harassed by clients and burdened by deadlines. What does it really look like to be a Christian in this world? I know that there is nothing wrong with earning money – even good money. I certainly don’t believe in the sacred/secular split in vocations. It is possible, nay necessary, to be a Christian in a secular job setting – but I don’t know that I’m doing it – then again I don’t know what I would do other than what I’m doing. Most, if not all, of the books and articles that I have read regarding the sacred/secular split deal with the examples of individuals that really love and enjoy their careers but feel guilty that they aren’t engaged in ‘full-time ministry’ (such an awful term by the way). They don’t address anyone that really hates their career and feels guilty for wanting to be in ministry.

I know that caring for and providing for my family is one of the most important things I can be doing right now and that includes financial provision. But what am I teaching my kids about being a Christian in this world. I feel like I’m teaching them that being a Christian is really no different from being anything else except that you go to church once a week, it’s a good idea to read your bible and pray on days other than Sunday, and things like binging on illicit sex and crack cocaine aren’t good. Surely there is more to it than that.

I used to really get off on studying my bible. I could spend hours picking stuff apart completely lost in enjoying what I was learning. Now I’m doing really well if I can keep my eyes peeled open while reading one of the neatly defined subsections in my ESV. I’m not sure if I even know how to study my bible anymore. Is it just a time issue? The stage of life I’m in with work and family, etc. just doesn’t “work” with the whole intense bible study thing? I don’t buy it. Why am I not completely taken with Jesus?

As I mentioned before, I’ve started running. I’m not going to turn this into a running blog, and I doubt that I’ll start a separate blog just for this purpose a la Joe Thorn (but who knows?), but I do find that it motivates me to write about what I’m doing. If you’re not interested in my quest for fitness just ignore this.

One of the things that I’m finding true about myself when it comes to fitness is the need to have a plan for what I’m doing. (Come to think of it, I bet that would help out in the rest of my life as well…hmmmm.) Over the past couple of weeks I’ve been checking out a couple of training plans online, trying to decide what lines up best with my overall goals as well as abilities. The decision came down to Cool Running’s Couch to 5K plan and a fitness regimen that was published in Outside Magazine back in 2002 called The Shape of Your Life plan seems to be exactly what I’m looking for. I still plan on running at least one 5k this year since I’m a naturally competitive person so I know that will be good motivation for me as well, in fact I eventually really want to run a triathlon. However, running road races is not my ultimate goal. My ultimate goal is simply to be fit as I enter into and move through my middle-aged years.

By the way, today was a strength training day so I hit the Y over lunch. My muscles (what few there are) have found whole new ways to hurt already. I can only imagine what I’ll be like later ;).

Besides running, I’m also begining to tweet in order to find out what all the fuss seems to be about.

I’ve started to run. I’m tired of feeling lethargic all the time. I’m tired of being winded from going up and down stairs in my house. I want to always be able to keep up with my boys. And I want to be healthy.

I’ve started before and usually fizzle out with excuses of bad weather, illness, time, something. Now I’m trying to remove and and all excuses and, as a certain shoe company says, just do it. If I can’t get up early enough in the morning, I run on a treadmill at the Y during lunch. If I can’t get away for lunch, I want to try to run in the evening. I want to feel good physically and this is one way I know to accomplish that.

Wish me luck, pray for me, whatever - I need it all.

Joe Thorn just posted about this,his 365th day of running. I plan to have my own post up like that in about a year.

For the record, I’m 6′0″ and weigh in at 190 Lbs. Not terrible, but I could stand to lose a few. According to Runner’s World’s BMI calculator that just barely puts me in the “overweight” category. Let’s see where I am next year.